catharsis

okay, guys...here's what i wrote today....I'm kinda nervous about publishing this...well, for several reasons, most importantly because it goes pretty deep...i'm not sure how much of this i've actually told you guys, and this is me, this is me...it's just me and that's hard to make public...if you get that...also, because i feel pretty much like a broken record...i mean, sometimes he gets to me and sometimes i'm okay. mostly i'm okay....and finally because i always feel kinda guilty, i mean there's tons of people who have it a lot worse than i...who's parents actualy physically abuse them instead of just hearing about their parents being abusive...or something...but anyway, here goes. This is my catharsis.

you don't understand me, i don't understand you. so you don't understand me? so shut the fuck up and LISTEN. LISTEN TO ME, for once in your life

Part i, broken
my first love, you broke my heart. betrayer of my young devotion. you keep me awake, you keep me alone, you keep me crying. i often wonder...but then, this wound is so close to my heart, it is my heart. i keep it secret, i keep it always. did you know that i still cry? did you know that i still miss you? i miss you here. i miss you, but it's not you i miss. i'd honestly believed that you still loved me the same, that you'd still do anything for me, that you were still going to be there for me. don't you know that a promise is forever? and FORGET about her, you're talking to ME. you promised me. you promised me your life, and you left me with tears.

Part ii, rage
IT'S NOT FAIR. i shouldn't have to suffer because of your stupid mistakes. i hate this....power you have over me, this control over my life. I HATE IT. i hate what you've done to me, to us. what you're still doing. your words and actions cut like razors, and it's not just me. do you know that i still cry? but i never cry for myself anymore. i cry for others you've hurt. i cry for the young inocents. i would take this away from them, i would take away their pain, i would sheild them, i would make them whole again. i would die for them. yet i can't help them anymore. AND IF YOU EVER, if you ever lay one single finger on anyone of them, i will hate you for ever, i will kill you. don't you dare. i know you. i know. IT MAKES ME SICK. what, you think i'm stupid? you think i'm blind to your sins? i see through you, and i know. UGH. what makes me waste so much time on you?? while all my friends write love poems, the only love poems i write are ones like this. to you. and even now. even now, when i should be doing chemistry, instead i'm wasting time writing a stupid, pointless catharsis that you'll never see. UGH. Sometimes. sometimes i'll be talking to you, and all of a sudden, i'll just be so disgusted i can't even look you at you anymore. sometimes. sometimes, i'll just be walking from class to class, and it'll hit me, i'll just want to scream in frustration. i could SCREAM IN FRUSTRATION. because you know what? all you are, you are a racist, womanizing dick. yeah. what you see when you look at a woman? an ugly bitch or a sex toy. don't you be thinking it doesn't show. SO WHERE DOES THAT FUCKING PUT ME, YOU DICK?
and then there's her. well, how do you honestly think it felt to find out about her? like a bad sinking feeling in my stomach, and then...keeping it a secret for so long, not letting anyone know that i knew. least of all you, don't ask me why. because, once again, you were banking on a stupidity THAT I DO NOT POSSES, DUH! did you think you could keep her a secret? well, that was very considerate. except that you couldn't. your apartment? so chock full of clues, i couldn't breath sometimes. i rember locking myself in the bathroom, sinking to the floor, gasping for air. it was more than i could handel, alone. and she's great, she's pretty nice. you could have done a whole lot worse. in fact, she deserves so much better than you. IT'S NOT HER, and i don't think you get that. it's how soon after leaving us it was. how soon AFTER leaving us? yeah, right. because i know. and that is one thing i would really really rather not know.

part iii, stages of doubt
but should i blame you? should i blame you for trying to be happy? you ARE happy, right? and there's so many sides, i don't know what to believe for myself anymore. there's no cut and dry, no black and white answer for me. i wish i could just...talk to you, without monitoring my every word, without being so damn careful about everything all the time. but i won't, because i'm scared what will happen then, because of the tales they tell, and the way mom's eyes looked when she told me she was scared. honestly, i can never believe any of them. but i do know this-you, you have lied to me a thousand times, you have never supported me, you have never loved me for who i am. and is that enough? stages of doubt.

Part iv, trust
you say you love me, that we're the best part of you life, that you'd never want to let us go. but never, ever trusting you is now simply part of me. i don't even think about it now. did you know that one reason is all she needs to take us away from you? one reason, and we never have to speak to you again. would that be a tragedy? i think it might be. you see, i'm always confused about you. you're such a good liar, so good at making one person believe you're one thing, and another person sees you as someone completely different. i hate to tell you, but your LIFE IS A LIE. i've known this for quite some time now. i'm never quite sure where i stand with you, what i believe about you, who i can trust. our relationship is a maze, a spiderweb of delicately woven half truths, fun house mirrors lineing the walls. and even though i can never trust you, i can never hate you either. i've tried so hard to harden my heart to you, but it never quite works out. it always up leaving me like this: a mess. and the thing is, the real issue here is not you leaving us. not really. it's how you did it. and what comes after. and i know. that is the problem. i know, and there are some things, some things i'd really really rather not know. a lot of things.